hmm... wat's ur definition abt home? to me, home = home sweet home.. a place where u can relax, u can naked ard, u can do watever stuff u like as long as it's not illegal.. but how come i feel like i'm a stranger at home? i cant adapt to it. the longer i stay, the more it seems like pressurised me?
then.. wat's ur definition abt family? to me, family.. a bunch of ppl where u can tok to, communicate wif, play ard, joke ard, argue/ quarrel wif, speak out anything out of ur mind without any obstacles and yet, we're stil a family.. but how come they seems strangers to me? i cant feel any of these common things happen btw us..
but why?? mayb i got problem.. last weekend was a suffering to me. liangzai and bro went out to a function. left me n lil sis.. kinda bored.. y so? not so close wif the sis or i'm not given a chance to b closed wif? to me, the house had become jus a space for me to sleep, take bath and tat's all. no joke, no smile, no laughter... onli silence... am i too crazy? but tats the fact. the onli sound i can hear is from the TV or PC and even the noise pollution from the construction site nextdoor... wow, wat a life? i jus cant imagine how i can gone thru this? luckily, there's a bunch of good frens out there giving advices and accompany me when i'm lonely. but i just cant stop thinking.. Y?? Y this kinda feeling keep on surrounding me? am i giving myself too much of pressure or they cant gip me the FAMILY feel? so HOME is not equivalent to sweet home anymore. it's jus a HOTEL...
but y again? Y?? when u see someone in the living room, yet u dun greet each other? well, not even a smile? onli frown face everywhere? am i sensitive or they are born like tat? or i shld be the one to start it out first? i tried but stil the same result. but then when they are out wif frens, smiles are on their faces, jokes are everywhere.. well, hv i do anything wrong? i cant recall wat have i done wrong... but y?? y can i speak freely at home but instead i have to keep everything in my heart?? i tot one family shld b honest but how come it seems like there's lotsa problems hidden deep inside the bottom of the heart? unexpected tears is happening from now and then.. but wat's actuali interrupting the emotions? no one knos... no one can explain this to me... but y it onli happen over and over again? if this happen continuously, i think i'll b the one to b coo-koo soon... cos i might not kno when and where it wil happen again.. i might not kno wat have i said or wat have i done to cause the unpredictable mood to change out of sudden... OMG!! can someone out there pls help me? problems cant solve by leaving ur tears on ur face... can someone explain to me y one person's emotional can change from time to time and it's happen so drastically? i dun think it's hormone changes or imbalance hormone... well, this creates a strange feeling.. it's jus like an invisible pressure given to me.. i dunno how to handle this... causing me so confuse and frustrated. making me so fed up of the house and even HOME.. OH PLS!! wat had happen to me actuali?
things doesnt goes smoothly even after voice out everything. ya.. i kno.. it takes time but then how come it seems like no changes? or i cant feel the change? or i expect more than it reali happened? but then the changes seems like turn out to b so negative? y i seems like hiding myself in the few hundreds square feets land covered up wif 4 walls and an exit? am i protecting myself or others? i jus dunno.. but if this continuously moving on, i dun think i'll b happy... best frens advised me not to take things so seriously.. i tried but frens, it's quite hard here.. i dunno.. mayb i expect too much.. to me, FAMILY is a bunch of ppl where i can tok to, communicate wif, play ard, joke ard, argue/ quarrel wif, speak out anything out of ur mind without using my brain, tease each other.. NOT everytime b4 i speak, i hv to think twice, thrice and forth times, then onli can speak out.. wow, tat's difficult.. if so, it's not called FAMILY rite? y not jus address as STRANGERS?
phew~~ NEGATIVE thinking again.. i just can help myself to stop thinking on this... someone pls help me.... :S